What the feck!! You couldn’t make it up…57 years of age and it’s like being a teenager again. ‘Don’t you be sneaking any boys into your room or there’ll be consequences’. Except now there would be legal consequences, as it’s actually against the law to have sex with someone from another household. Jaysus!! You couldn’t make it up!
Whereas before this, only the person entering your home would have been prosecuted, now both horny feckers share equal blame. Ah sure, what about having a snog or a bit of ‘how’s your father’ in the car, the good old fashioned way. The problem there is, how the feck do you do that, while maintaining a two-metre distance. Even a snog is out of the question if you want to safeguard against that aul beer virus.
Sure, ‘safe sex’ has already taken on a whole new meaning. Never mind an aul lad using a feckin condom on his willy, at least one of you need to turn yourselves into a condom covered aul one to even partake in the act. If the female wore the suit, she’d need a hole cut out for the Mary. If the aul lad was wearing the hazmat gear, sure he might as well get a rubber extension for his manhood, rather than having a hole there and having to go to the trouble of trying to put on a condom as well. It might be better for the aul lad to be the one wearing the suit because let’s face it, there’s nothing like a man in uniform, don’t know if that stretches to hazmat gear but sure it might be worth a try. At least he could have the pleasure of looking at a naked lady which might make it less likely for the experience to go flat before it’s even begun.
Online dating is no longer the place to search for ‘friends with benefits’. Even having a dick the size of the American actor whose penis is 13.5 inches long when erect (Guinness Book of Records) wouldn’t be worth a shite on a dating site in this pandemic. Suffice it to say, you’d need at least a two-metre willy to have any chance at all. For wealthy aul lads, I’m sure there’d be plenty of plastic surgeons who’d be willing to do extensions but they’d have to wait for the healing process to be over and buy themselves some larger underwear to accommodate the extension to their manhood. It could start a new trend though. Jaysus, I can just see it now, ‘the two-metre willy’. Aul ones would be dragging aul lads to get their extensions, whether they were from the same household or not. Gone would be titty implants with savings instead spent on elongated willies. Sure, these two-metre willies could also be used to maintain social distancing in general. Might lead to an indecent exposure charge though, so maybe not!
Romance is back in. Aul ones and young ones will have to actually take their time getting to know each other and if they do meet up, it’d have to be outdoors, where they’d need to stay 2-metres apart. Romantic walks wouldn’t permit hand-holding, even wearing gloves unless the lovebirds had 2 metres of arm length between them. Ah but they could have BBQs in each other’s gardens. However, the guest would only be allowed into the house to use the loo or walk through to access the garden. Sure, taking this into account, couldn’t they have a quickie in the loo! Bob’s your Uncle, Fanny’s your Aunt, nobody’d be any the wiser. Those curtain-twitching neighbours couldn’t prove a thing. However, there’d be no such a thing as a quickie if one of them had to put on a hazmat suit. If an aul lad wanted a quickie he’d have to wear the suit while eating the BBQ, so as to be prepared to do the deed in the time it should take an aul one to powder her nose. Unless of course, the aul lad had had his aul lad extended!
So, to protect yourself in more ways than one, without the hazmat experience when having sex with a new partner, you’d be forced to wait, once you realised he/she was worth it, You’d both have to isolate for 2 weeks and then have that quickie in the bathroom, at the bbq. Job done!!
Now while no man might have a willy longer than 13.5 inches, there is a mammal that does. The blue whale is reported to have a 2.4-metre penis. Happy days! Jaysus, that could be a new nickname for aul lads with extensions…Blue Whales.
Now if you hadn’t managed to meet a man willing to wear a little more than a raincoat for his willy, to have safe sex and you didn’t want to break the law by having sex outside with a lad who had got the aul extension, you could always go looking for the blue whale. No law saying you can’t have sex deep in the sea and it’d still be sticking to social distancing (she says taking out her deep-sea diving gear, hoping the flippers will accelerate the speed at which she will need to travel to find her mate).
Just have to find the fecker!!!