Jaysus, my buzzer has buzzed. What do I do? Shout..’Feck off…I’ve got that aul beer virus’. Ah sure that wouldn’t be nice, it could be my lovely postman. But what if he has something that needs to be signed. I’d have to get him to shove it through the half open door and look the other way, in case my germs of non symptomatic possible coronavirus floated out the door. Sure with the head on me, in my pjs, hair unwashed, eyes in the back of my head, it’d be just as well if he looked the other way. Don’t want to ruin the aul image ‘n’ all that, him being an attractive aul fella.
Picking up the intercom receiver I announced a nice ‘Hello’.
‘Delivery’ boomed a male voice into the intercom.
‘Oh, could you leave it on the doorstep please’, I asked.
‘Yeah sure’ was the unexpected answer. No need to shock any delivery man with my dishevelled appearance so, thank God for small mercies. Down the stairs I went, opened the front door and sure there was a long flat box on the step outside. Grinning from ear to ear (I love surprises, as long as they’re not overdue bills), I made my way back up to my first floor flat, pulling at the corners of the box, as I went, eager to view the contents. Well, when I opened it, let’s just say, the best way to describe the box and its contents is ‘a neatly packed floral suitcase’. Carefully laid side by side, were roses, other flowers whose name I couldn’t even guess at and the leafy things that make it all look wonderful. Instructions, flower food and a lovely card from a special friend, accompanied the contents of the floral suitcase and sure I was like a florist myself arranging them all in a vase, according to the instructions.
‘What a lovely start to the day’, I thought, despite the aches and the sweats, which had eased a little. Well it only got better. when my homeless bestie delivered some shopping for me. I had sent her a list of provisions, excluding chocolate, thinking this could be my chance to go cold turkey. A soft knock on our front door surprised me as I was expecting the good aul buzzer to go again, forgetting the bestie had keys. ‘Hellooooo’ came her sweet little voice from the other side of the door,’ deliiiiverrrryyyy!!’. Like two schoolkids we howled with laughter either side of the door and after a brief conversation she announced that she was leaving, but would leave the shopping outside for me. Thanking her I warned my bosom buddy that I was going to open the door and shouted ‘RUN!!!!’….The sound of her little legs scurrying down the stairs set me off howling again and I could hear the giggles from the other side as her little white plimsoled feet descended at speed.
Slowly I opened the door to see, not only my bag of shopping, but a lovely bunch of flowers and A CHOCOLATE BUNNY!!! My newly acquired flower arranging skills were quickly forgotten as to my shame, I lay that bunch of flowers on the table, the bag of shopping on the floor and climbed back into bed, to DEVOUR that poor bunny. Even an unexpected phone call interrupting my feast, didn’t stop me continuing as I sucked on chocolate and listened to the conversation the other end with an ‘Mmmm’ every now again, which was more in appreciation of the melting chocolate in my gob than a confirmation of my friend’s conversation.
That phone call was followed by the daily call from my eldest son to see if I was still alive and offering any help that may be needed. Assuring him that I wasn’t on the way out any time soon, we bade our goodbyes and I looked sadly at the empty bunny wrapper. Jaysus, I thought, the flowers, sure I’d better get them into water too.
Ten minutes later the flowers were sitting prettily beside their visiting relatives. They may not have come in a suitcase, but they were a pretty bunch and sure the aul posh rellies looked very much at home beside them.
A quick catchup with my cyber inmates, to see how they were managing solitary confinement, revealed no scary symptoms thus far so all was good in the camp. However I do have a friend who has had a cough for years and bless her she finds people edging slowly away from her when she can’t manage to contain it.
So what about my temperature, body aches, sweats…not a sign of an aul cough and the only time I struggle for breath is when a friend on the end of a call asks me a question and I’m too busy sucking the chocolate in my mouth. I can safely say it’s not that aul beer virus…but I still have to self isolate…for 11 MORE FECKIN DAYS!!